This article was first published on 12th May 2017
Building your own set of Fake Titties!!!!!!!
It’s Masturbation Month! And that’s enough reason for me to dive into the office kitchen and start whipping on a batch of non-Newtonian-masturbatory-goodness.
Whippit, whippit Reaaaaaaal good!
Just follow the steps below to craft your own male masturbator. I will show you how to make fake boobs!
1. The Mise en Place
You will need the following items:
- 8 Cups of corn starch
- 5 cups of water
- A funnel
- Some Gaffer Tape
- 4 strong balloons
- A bowl
2. Powder Powerrrrrrrr
Put 8 cups of cornstarch into the bowl.
Do this with a calm and steady hand. If you do decide to rush this part,…don’t breathe in the cloud of powdery dust, because you will be coughing for the rest of the day.
You are guaranteed to f00k your clothes up if you mess about in this step.
3. Add Water
Add 5 cups of water. If the mixture is too doughy, feel free to add another cup. But don’t over saturate the corn starch.
4. Whip Dat Thang. Beat Dat Silly!
Stir it up! but be careful not to splash all of the batter out of the bowl. It will leave cum-stain-esque splodges on your clothes.
The corn starch will heavily resist you mixing it. Stick in there! Keep mixing it until you either get tired or all the lumps have gone.
5. Flodgy mcSplodgy
You are looking for consistency between milk and yogurt.
If you can see your finger through the batter when you dip it in, you need to add a little more cornstarch. Alternatively, you can set it aside for a few minutes and let the corn starch settle.
You can now pour some excess liquid into your sink. What will be left will be more Flodgy mcSplodgy. It should run if you pour it. But it should go semi-solid when you forcefully punch or slap it.
6. Just Blow it
Blow up your balloons to make it easier for them to be stretched out when we poor our non-Newtonian liquid in there. If you skip this step it will be near impossible to fill them up.
7. Fill ‘r up
Slip the balloon around the funnel exit and pour your non-Newtonian fluid into the funnel. If the pour won’t sink through the funnel, carefully let some air escape by pulling on the side of the balloon. This will help the fluid go down. If it still doesn’t go in you need to stretch the balloon better or jam the fluid down the funnel with a dowel or a straw.
Create two small balloons and 2 bigger ones. This will make the male masturbator easier to hold once we are finished.
8. Tape ‘r up
Your Balloons have been Naughty and need some Discipline! Time for some gaffer tape bondage. Time to tape these beauties down.
Make sure you only tape the outside of your balloons. you don’t want to rub against this unpleasant texture in a minute when you are balls deep in balloony, simulated breasty goodness.
9. Lube ‘r up
Grab your Vaseline, olive oil or shampoo and squirt that orifice full of slippery delight.
Retreat to your fapping-room and bust a nut all up in this self-made pleasure product.
If you’ve got the non-Newtonian fluid right, the booby simulator will tense up with every thrust and it will feel like you have your cock between a pair of wonderfully soft, yet perky and sturdy tits.
Make sure to wear a condom. Although balloons can be put in your mouth, you can never be 100% sure that they are body-safe.
Keep it well lubricated otherwise the latex from the condom will tear open the balloons and leave you covered in goo
The Pro’s
- Cheap fuck toy
- Fun to make
- Feels reasonably good to masturbate with
- Your co-workers/roommates will LOVE it
The Cons
- Very messy to make
- Takes over 20 minutes to build
- if you pop it, you will be soaked in goo
- you might ruin your outfit
- Vaseline is hard to get out of your pubes without taking a hot shower
Our Advice
However fun it might be to muck about with a DIY sex toy, it's always messier than it is fun. Of course, you will have an orgasm, and It might even be wonderful. But most homemade toys, like this one, are one use only.
It is taxing on the environment, the materials might not always be body-safe and its a hell of a lot of work to clean things up when things go south.
If you want a male masturbator, then consider going for some designer sex tech. Toys like the Onyx+ are easy to clean, durable and extremely pleasurable.
They provide earth-shattering designer orgasms time and time again.
See how Kiiroo products measure against other companies. View our comparison table.
